Both A Little Scared

keltickolor @ 2009-10-11T20:03:00

2009-10-12T03:07:18Z

Remember if you’re lost in the jungle, to look for bananas. There are no bananas where there are no people.

Bananas are sterile hybrids, like mules. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Kirk Cameron.

keltickolor @ 2009-03-31T03:10:00

2009-03-31T07:16:33Z

When did the little girl who couldn’t for the life of her figure out what to do with eyeliner become the young woman who can’t leave the house without foundation and powder - even to the store at three in the morning?

When did the little girl who felt beautiful with her long legs and slim torso become the young woman who looks in the mirror and curses her stumpy body and wide hips?

When did the lost little girl who was easily led astray and had no concept of a balanced and fair relationship become the lost young woman, fumbling through independence and adult relationships and not being blinded by everything?

keltickolor @ 2009-02-27T15:13:00

2009-02-27T20:15:21Z

Dear Shannon,

You are an unbelievable idiot. It is time to man up and get back to work.

Hugs and Snuggles,
Shannon

keltickolor @ 2009-02-23T07:06:00

2009-02-23T12:14:26Z

What am I DOING?
I must be crazy. This guy is sweeping me off my feet, and it is stupid. I can’t figure out if I am just trying to drown break-up pain in fixation or if this kid is actually....something special. I mean. This is a booty call, and I am getting a little stupid about it.

We fell asleep facing eachother, holding eachother, each with one half of the headphones, listening to the drum parts of various songs.

And that’s another thing - his music. Not great, not terrible. Not something I could usually stomach. Neither terribly interesting nor talented. He picks music based on the talent of the drummer. Dire Straights? Boys Night Out? And yet I cannot stop listening to it.

It can’t be healthy. I just left one of the best relationships of my life - stable, steady, loving, devoted. I just realised yesterday that I only slept with one person my whole senior year of high school. Just one. Just steve. And I didn’t even realise it! I mean, I got bored. Of course I did. I got scared of commitment. Of course I did. But it wasn’t a break up with some real reason, in hindsight, to end it. Not one with something that was wrong (like ’he liked to stick needles in my back’) or anything. Just distance.

So what is up with me being so fixated on this guy who admitted he was relieved it was just some quasi-booty call? Some distant, easy guy who teases me as much as anything? I am such a mess, not sleeping, barely getting through school, and now gamma has moved all its events up to 815 and I am going to have to miss a bunch of them because of my 6-9pm class. What is it about this guy that makes everything so goddamn easy?

I am not this kind of girl. I don’t get needy or attached easily. But there is something special about him. Something very scary and full of terrifying potential.

keltickolor @ 2009-02-21T01:46:00

2009-02-21T06:54:24Z

Why not eat meat? I mean, I did it too, for a year or so, but I just wanted to see if I could. And I certainly did not go so far as veganism.

I want to hurt as few living creatures as possible. They are our cousins.

In what way?

In that we share this world with them.

As beautiful as that sentiment is, it doesn’t make sense. As softly as you tread around those closest to you genetically - say, a chimpanzee, a rat, any of the mammals - you are also genetically linked to every other thing living on this earth. We share pseudogenes with wheat and barley and soy. There is no way for you to go through life without preying on something you share genes with - we are all connected. We are all part of this earth and the best you can hope for - the best you can know - is that when you die you will, in turn, be preyed upon by sunlight and soil, by cow or otter or meerkat and that your atoms will sustain them the way theirs sustain you. We are so connected that scientists suggest that every one of us - each person on the planet today - has inside of them right now up to a billion atoms that once belonged to Shakespeare. And to Queen Elizabeth and King Louis XIV and before them Ghengis Khan and before him dinosaurs and giant ferns. There is no way for you to remove yourself from the predation process, no way to take youreslf away from the connectedness.

keltickolor @ 2009-02-15T01:20:00

2009-02-15T06:21:19Z

What a bitchin’ Valentine’s Day. Sex, wine, cupcakes, loud music and good friends. I love Toronto. I am settling in here. I will be happy, I will miss it come summer. This is what I have been looking for.

HAHAhahahah. hah.

2009-02-08T17:31:30Z

I bought a bottle of cabernet and two forties of...beer last night. Roommate decided forties was the right way to buy beer. Bought them, planned to drink tomorrow night or later tonight in a calm, glass of wine and conversation fashion with Aaron. Fell asleep around eleven. Cue 12:30am, T RINGS THE GODDAMN DOORBELL. I get it because I am the only one who opens the door for T even though I am not closest to the door. We hear singing. Wailing. Sex noises? Crying. I groaned inwardly. Iftekhar problems. Lovely. And she will sob and snot all over us over nothing. We go up and hug her. She is holding a picture of her deceased mother and tells us it would have been her birthday tomorrow. Oh shit, oops. So, we break out said bottle of wine, and one forty of beer, and watch RENT and sing along with all the songs and act like absolute fools and shout in the kitchen and go pee in the snow just because and make a snowman with breasts named Devin. And Ayesha has very nearly phone sex with Iftekhar and I flirt shamelessly with Scott until four am.

I also made cupcakes iced with the words ”If you’ve got beef then bring the ruckus, wu-tang clan ain’t nothing to fuck with”. Photos up on facebook.

And this morning, still drunk and giggly, T and I drag our asses out of bed and go to church where we listen attentively to the sermon about healing. I feel sick, so it is fairly apt.

Tonight, I drink at TDChi.

This weekend is awesome.

Here we go

2009-01-30T11:04:03Z

I WILL start posting again! I will. I love having this livejournal as a story of my life during high school and I dont want to lose that in uni. So even though god knows nobody reads this thing, I will update. Because my life is WORTH recording.

NEWS OF MY LIFE: I sleep all day.

No, I do more than that, I really do. I went to my architecture class today, this prof is much better than last semesters and he actually...gets that we are art students, not brainless automatons. He makes jokes! He lets us know what we need to study and what we dont! He recommends films to us! He also taught us the number one lesson of being an architect.

LESSON ONE OF BEING AN ARCHITECT:
”Guys, it’s gotta keep the roof up.”

In other news, my apostrophe key is broken, one of the Beta Theta Pi frat boys is courting me incessantly and I am thinking about taking him up on his offer ONLY because he works at the apple store and perhaps I can use him to fix my goddamned apostrophe key (I can use quotes and apostrophes by pressing alt-shift-bracket but come on, man, I just figure that out, too, I have been using the copy paste function to write dialogue and just stopped using words in the possessive sense for the past six weeks).

Okay, my life. I live in a big house with six other people, all students of one kind or another except mike, who doesnt count. Mike is a travel agent. We also have a british girl named T who stays on the couch a lot, comes by whenever she is bored and smokes like a chimney (with me. I also smoke like a chimney, though I am back to smoking a pipe rather than cigarettes for a myriad of health and aesthetic reasons).

I skip most of my classes, sleep most of the day, stay up most of the night and am generally sweeping my life into shambles. And the thing I like least about this skipping-sleeping routine is that it makes my weekends worthless. I want to be working hard again, I just am not sure where to start. I never feel like I have homework of any immediate importance to do, none of my classes have really caught my fancy and I generally just feel directionless. This has plagued me for several months down, and I crashed and burned really hard at the beginning of the semester. I thought I had taken care of it, and it definitely is a little better, but I am still totally out of it.

I wrote a massive jumble of where I want to go, what I want to do but I never managed to wrestle it into anything tangible (except: I want my car with me wherever I am even if the poor old thing is up on bricks, and I want a kitty at some point).

Otherwise, not much has changed. Still living the sorority girl life (in the loosest sense possible), still/back with Steve (trudging at a mediocre pace through the fields of the Long Distance Relationship), still distracted by shimmering ideology but unwilling to chase it down in case, oh god, I have to get off my considerably-fatter-than-it-used-to-be-ass and commit to something. Like, say, a major, or a class, or a career, or a boy.

To...motivate myself to get out of the house, I have decided to take photos and choose one every two days until the end of the semester to put into this little album I found. I will take them digitally, print them out, and keep them. Shoppers has digital printing for, like, thirty cents. I may post them here digitally, I may scan the hard copies and post those (I love the look of scanned photos, they feel much more organic to me), or I may hide them from the world.

Today, I scaled the mountain in our front yard (photos tomorrow when I get my connector cable back). See, the landlady HK has a deal with our bizarre neighbor. If he shovels our sidewalk snow, he can throw as much snow as he wants into our yard. Right when the snow started falling, we got a pretty good-size pile, which then froze. It was solid enough that it never melted and in the four weeks of snowfall since then, our mountain has grown to be between six and seven feet high. I shit you not. Nobody had tried to scale it, so I did today, when T and Mike and I went on a pizza-and-lighters run. Unfortunately, I picked a day when the whole mountain was powder. I had snow from my boots to my belt loops. The good thing about this snow, though, is that it is so cold outside that you can brush it off you like sand and not be cold until you go inside somewhere and it melts all over the place. Then you are colder than you have ever been.

keltickolor @ 2009-01-09T06:54:00

2009-01-09T11:56:33Z

I refuse to live in a pictures-or-it-didn't-happen world. As scared as I am of Alzheimer's, I am content to live with organic memories.

keltickolor @ 2008-10-29T12:11:00

2008-10-29T16:22:08Z

Two midterms down, two to go. University is only fulfilling for the people and the city, but that will change when my classes shrink from 1700 to 40. Halloween is coming, so my roommates and I are carving pumpkins and buying leaves (WTF Jenny....they're just sitting on the ground, why buy them?) and decorating appropriately. The Gamma sisters are absolutely crazy, there are pumpkins and candles and skulls full of candy. I have not one but five parties at which my presence has been requested, three costumes, and so on. It gets a little ridiculous around here. When I asked Stella why Halloween was so massive, she just said that nobody was really around for Christmas, we had eastertime exams, and so on.

So I'ma head for Value Village today to put some final touches on my holmes costume (need a magnifying glass!) for TDChi on thursday and tomorrow I am being dragged to my first shopping trip at American Apparrel for the eighties-themed Zeta Psi party friday.

It's made me a bit sad that I've learned more reading A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson than in any/all of my bio classes. But so it goes.

Sarah, do you regret your tattoo?

The gamma girls can cook and do artsy craftsy things like none other. Here are some werewolf shaped cupcakes:

Also: Thursday night Marcel decided to have a party and invited some of the world's best, most movie-stereotypical douchebags to have ever existed. Their names were Jeff and Len:

Everybody got drunk, and it was awesome.

They went to the brunny. Marcel, who pretty much everybody reading this would totally love (but towards whom I am only lukewarm), thinks that he is cool, and maybe he is, but only in Europe.

Also, fill me in on your lives, assholes. I'm up to date with Eric, Christina, Maddie, and that's about it. Come on, step up.

keltickolor @ 2008-10-05T15:18:00

2008-10-05T19:20:00Z

My house is a beautiful place full of beauiful people. Especially Andie's Grandma, who speaks no English but still managed to tell me that my cold was only going to get worse unless I put socks on. Even more awesome, since I fully had a cold but had not told her.

keltickolor @ 2008-09-19T00:51:00

2008-09-19T04:52:29Z

Taught myself to type colemak in one night. Averaging 45wpm and 95% accuracy.

my brain is so tired. My hands feel so betrayed.

keltickolor @ 2008-09-17T17:35:00

2008-09-17T21:36:40Z

Finally settling back in to the routine with a circle of people who care about me. The world is good, and winter will be cuddly and warm.

Content, but running on four hours.

2008-09-13T20:59:18Z

Tired and content, sitting in the Green Room (beautiful and calm, but owned by the chinese mafia) drinking tea and eating hummus. Most of my roommates and a few extraneous cousins got totally shitfaced at the Maddy last night. Vomiting and drunk-sitting ensued. I preferred to sit with Aaron and drink nice whiskey out of little glasses and watch Hotel Chevalier and talk about I am not sure what and pretend to smoke my empty pipe.

I did smoke my first cigarette since I moved when Franco, one of the cousins, lit up and then had to go take care of a sicky. It was beautiful. I am still quivering.

I finally got my room organised, with help from Ed. We moved a couch into the kitchen today and went through the tupperware and I think almost everything the asshole old tenants left behind is gone. I look forward to tonight, which I believe contains a french club pub night, followed by more drinking and the screening of Hercules.

So, I am adjusting. I am happy. Classes are good fun, huge and loud and chaotic and informative. (Important note: In my "Reading the Mystery Novel" class, there is a kid there solely to improve his own deduction skills. Not to read or anything, just to become more like Sherlock Holmes). The weather is truly strange but the world seems good.

Toronto is...

2008-09-07T19:14:51Z

Warm days, loud, chanting, matching shirts
parades, fountains, light shows, dance floors
vodka, red wine, cool peaceful mornings
pots of tea and calm personalities
thumping up and down stairs
foreign techno music
dishes in the sink
dishes in the dishdrain
the audacity of American phrases, repeated loudly and often by excited Germans
live-streaming old tv shows
hanging out around the TIFF to try and spot George Clooney
eds on bathurst, getting lost, figuring it out (I got in and out in only fifteen minutes today)
milk at sobeys, books at seekers
the whole world just a block away, food to books to hardware to art
homesickness, crazy diversity
white people a minority?
Ayesha: Aye-shah, two syllables
little bitty tattoos
little bitty homesickness
messy room, too much stuff, why so many free condoms, Frosh Week? I can buy my own.
I want a kitty.

And heeere weeee go.

2008-08-26T06:49:07Z

I leave for my next adventure in just about six hours.

keltickolor @ 2008-07-27T12:17:00

2008-07-27T19:18:51Z

Team Bunny/Team USA | Team Suburban Housecat

1 4

*sigh*

keltickolor @ 2008-06-15T21:34:00

2008-06-16T04:43:43Z

I gradumajated. It was good. I skipped the afterparty. Also a good decision.

My car broke. (not good). But we got a new one! (good). It's like the old one but newer, cleaner, and gold. (with chrome wheels).

I cut my hair all off. It was coming for a long time.

I'm still dating Steve. We're doing well. Nothing outrageous, overexciting or radical. Nothing that makes other people wonder about my wild crazy nights (generally). Just enough of this and that.

Things are going to be excellent.

Today I went to the...

2008-05-10T23:54:08Z

Today I went to the apple store to see if I could buy my mom an ipod. We wern't sure what kind she wanted, but the guy was pretty helpful, and he talked to me about getting a laptop for college. He didn't recommend the Mac Book air and definitely said that you could just use one of the more basic kinds, the basic mac book with the OS 10.5 to get everything you needed to do done. So I think I'm gonna do that. Anybody have any recommendations?

A satisfying beginning

2008-03-26T06:53:26Z

Spring Break has started most excellently. Nothing like drunken partying (of the legal sort) with my family at a very expensive restaurant being very loud (they all had about five glasses of wine and a cocktail apiece. By the time cake rolled around they were singing Auld Lang Syne at the top of their lungs. Awesome? I am not sure yet.) This was followed shortly by very satisfying drunken partying (of the illegal sort).

Then on easter sunday I (hold your breath guys) actually went to church. I know, right? how weird. But Maddie and Steve and I got all fancied up and went to the early service at First Christian to listen to Mr. Bryant talk about social responsibility and watch Paulina play drums. Personally sermons about the responsibility of Christians to spread Christ's message through helping others and passing on love and goodwill are the only ones I can stand. Strict, controlling church environments full of guilt, intolerance and the desire for homogenousness (homogenouity?) make me sick to my stomach.

The next day was bra shopping (I am bigger than I thought I was...) and book-shopping with Christina. When we parked in front of Borders we ended up next to this janky old beater. I mean patched together, shit everywhere car. When Christina calls me over to look in the passenger's seat I'm pretty sure I'm about to see some roadkill or something. Instead, there is a tiny little shivery rat-dog, probably the most lovable and craveable little dog in the entire world. It sniffed at us through the cracked window then shivered some more and curled up again. I decided to steal it. After much persuasion, I decided to wait to see if the dog and car were still there after our errands. It was. What's more, its passenger door was unlocked. This was God telling me that because I had gone to church like a good girl, I could have a puppy. Right?

Well, we went to Greenhill instead. We spent half an hour in the cattery with Jesse Ferreira and a few friendly critters named Tux, Elizabeth, George, Winslow, Bright Eyes and...Tubs. Tubs was not very friendly. I don't think I would be either, if I was named Tubs.

When all that's combined with a lot of Smash and some good (and horrifyingly depressing, thanks Atonement) movies meant a very satisfying start to Spring Break. Still to come: more drunken revelries, Horton Hears A Who, Movie Dates, More Bleach, a trip to Bandon, and oh god that one essay for Alderman.

keltickolor @ 2008-02-21T19:32:00

2008-02-22T03:33:07Z

I am siiiiick.

All cough-ey and feverish and gross gross gross feeling.

And it's only eleven am. This one was in the sink. The other one was even bigger and on the ceiling. We usually leave ceiling-spiders alone, but he was too big.

keltickolor @ 2008-02-18T20:35:00

2008-02-19T04:42:06Z

Our version of Scrabble:

Scrabble - Things that are Words, things that Should be Words, Things that are Almost Words, and Cairo.

Among the accepted words

UNBEMOAN
SMOXEN
LOUDWOOF
GERALD
CAIRO

In other news, driving, moving, terrified about the future, Alderman's AP Independent Goverment Class, I'm taking French Two (God knows why), Nuns and Adventure. Also beautiful routines. I love routines. Simple and fun and stupid and reliable.

Where's the Love?

2008-01-24T02:03:30Z

I'm watching Jesus Camp and I had to say something. The first day of this camp the pastor tells all the kids they're liars and they're phonies and that they need to repent. All the kids are crying. And I was thinking. In the dirtiest, most heathen angry mosh pit in the world, there's still going to be somebody to catch you and put you back right or to get you out of there if you get hurt. And in the middle of this church there are these kids sobbing on the floor and nobody even is looking at them. How can a mosh pit be a more supportive, unified place than a church? That seems very wrong to me.

keltickolor @ 2008-01-05T14:15:00

2008-01-05T22:16:29Z

YES I FINALLY HAVE THE FIRST HALF PARAGRAPH OF MY RESEARCH PAPER MAYBE JUST MAYBE I CAN GET THIS THING FINISHED SOMEDAY HOPEFULLY BEFORE ITS DUE ON TUESDAY

Edit: The rain that's turned my property into marsh is now snow and is transforming the house into a frosty wonderland, all crispy and cold with big, fat flakes falling from the sky.

keltickolor @ 2008-01-04T14:15:00

2008-01-04T22:38:56Z

Life seems a little simpler when one parent is cut out of the living situation. When it's mom and I I get cut some slack. As long as I get work done and clean up after myself I can be pretty much wherever, whenever. When it's dad and I as long as I tell him exactly where I am and who I'm with I don't really have to do any work or clean up after myself, plus there's this refreshing sense of reasonable-ness in the air.

The backyard flooded in this really loud, bizarre rainstorm that started around four and was over by eight. But in those four hours the whole landscape of my little world changed. The creek is this huge swollen muddy rushing thing and the field and yard are like marshland. It's still raining, but the sun is out.

I want to go to the beach in a comfortable sweater that staves off the cold even as it gets all sandy and dirty. Who's in?