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Sunday, May 8th, 2011
- To Do List: Spring/Summer 2011
* Finish spring term
* Study astronomy (see above)
* Read 1-2 well-selling commercial fiction pieces a week
* Use wikipedia to learn about the authors of said pieces, similar authors and similar pieces
* Complete 29 credits over the summer
* Study physics (see above)
* Find bitchin' internship for fall/winter/spring (Marvel? If Marvel then read lots of comic books)
* Short-list graduate schools
* Part-time work (maybe)
* Study accounting 
* Maintain positive, casual, long-distance relationship
* Run 3x/week
* Don't die
* Don't develop crippling alcoholism
* Spend less money


(1  Brave Enough To Find The Mystery)

Friday, November 19th, 2010
 My life has changed a lot. And not at all. I think the biggest change is that I've finally found something I like and want to learn about in uni. I've been so dispassionate about school for the last three years. Switching to UO was rough, It still sometimes hurts. I was always threatened with U of O as "the place I'd end up if I failed school."  I've been fighting these feelings of failure for a long time now, more than a year. But it's getting better. I've found the linguistics program, and I really really love it. It's changed the way I think, the way I write and the way I understand words and grammar. My life revolves around things like "noun-forming derivational suffixes" and "The Great Vowel Shift." And this house helps. I live in this big house now on Orchard and 19th with my boyfriend/fiance Grant and Jerome Hirsch, a couple other guys I went to high school with and this awesome Physics PhD candidate we found on craigslist. It's nice to live with friends. And it's nice to live with people who know what educational regret feels like. Cole dropped out of school at 16 and is on his sixth year at lcc, working towards a transfer degree. Brian slacked off in high school and just realised that he's 24 and needs to go back to school. It's supportive and busy and full of people I like. That helps. And I've been really happy here, sitting in my corner studying words and morphs and the structure and body of language. I don't know why I didn't get into linguistics before. I've never loved English as a vessel for literature the way I love it as a structural, almost biological system that changes and evolves according to natural and steady rules. And Grant's wonderful. Night and day to Steven. He was wonderful too, in his own way. But this is support and thoughtfulness I've never really experienced before. It's like having this ally to pick up the slack when I need it. Having something that dependable is really really nice. I don't know. I just wanted to get it all down since it's 3:43 in the morning and I have to get up in three hours and I'm so so so so busy with finals and projects and papers and school and I just wanted to vent a little. So, hello again Livejournal!

(2  Brave Enough To Find The Mystery)

Sunday, July 11th, 2010
Missed Surprise Me Mr. Davis and Camera Obscura and destroyed another relationship. So it goes.

(4  Brave Enough To Find The Mystery)

Thursday, March 4th, 2010
- I can almost forgive her for Tik Tok
The Advocate: Your not-yet-released music video for "Backstabber" was cast almost entirely with transgender people. Ke$ha: "I am a huge fan of the transgender community. I am so not a proper, good female. I can't dance in high heels and I'm just so not girly, but then I see these men with these banging bodies, dancing in heels, singing, and having so much fun with so much makeup on. That makes me honestly want to be a better woman. It is so fascinating that someone can commit their whole entire lifestyle to being such a fantastic woman when I'm such a bum about it." ... The Advocate: Who would you invite to an all-girl sleepover? Ke$ha: "Oh, my God, my fantasy would be Rihanna! We recently started being friends, and I think she is really cool. I would want Shakira to come because she is so hot. I would also invite Sarah Palin, and I would put her hand in hot water to piss herself"

(Find The Mystery)

Monday, February 15th, 2010
Fuck, empathy is so awkward. Is it selfish to feel awful because someone you like feels awful about something that affects you in no way?

(5  Brave Enough To Find The Mystery)

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
Dear "online news magazines",

If you're going to make all of your content available only in obnoxious horizontal slideshows, please for the love of God have some kind of integrated slideshow player. DO NOT make me refresh the page 43 times to see "the funniest oddest trail cam images." Because I'm not going to do it. Nor am I going to do it to find out the "25 most influential bloggers," or the "30 tech inventions changing our lives right now (that we've never heard of)". Fuck off and die. I'll barely sit there and watch the page jerkily, coughingly refresh all its ads, then all its layout, and finally its content, maybe two or three times for something big. If you wanna do lists, do them like cracked, or embed some flash- or java-based slideshow player. Fuck, I don't know the coding behind it and I don't need to to know that


(Find The Mystery)

Sunday, January 17th, 2010
Wandered through the ("ALL-NEW") young adult section in Borders today. Good news is, it's three shelves + the huge graphic novel section, instead of just one shelf. Bad news, one of those shelves is entirely devoted to Twilight and its clones and rip-offs.

Don't get me wrong, I love that Twilight has kids reading (even dredge and sludge is better than nothing), but I can't help but feel worried. When I was young (10 and 11 in the old library downtown, through 16-17 at the new library and borders), the young adult sci-fi/fantasy section was this geeky wonderland full of epic tales of adventure, camaraderie and world-saving kids. It was the domain of some greats - Lloyd Alexander (The Black Cauldron), Gary Pullman (His Dark Materials), Clive Barker (Abarat), Neil Gaiman (Coraline, Stardust), CS Lewis (Narnia), Tamora Pierce (Alanna the Lioness, The Circle of Magic), Tolkien (Middle Earth),  Rowling (Potter, of course), Jaques (Redwall), Orson Scott Card (Ender's Game) and later Terry Pratchett with the Wee Free Men of Discworld. This isn't even bringing up lots of the serial fantasy/sci-fi writers who still write for young adults (like R.A Salvatore,) or the Star Wars serial novels, both of which have been mysteriously relocated.

Today, wandering through the young adult section, hunting furiously for the newest Pratchett book, it felt like being in a mcdonalds. It was a giant marketing scheme. The great authors I just mentioned were either tucked away quietly, missing entirely, or living in the adults' or kids' section. It felt like wading through toxic mire to find healthy, great literature. Shelf after shelf was filled with sappy, soppy romance, often involving young girls and mythical beasts. There were still some gems standing out - I'm glad to see the "Uglies" series, set in a dystopian future where plastic surgery is sort of an initiation ritual into adulthood,was still being prominently displayed, and Doctorow's Little Brother was at least on the shelves, but the huge cardboard cutouts advertising Twilight and New Moon and romance novels just like it made me wonder where the marketing for epic stories had gone. I know they've come back as movies but I worry about a future where thirteen year old girls are solely marketed the young-person-equivalent of those smutty Scottish romance novels my mom reads. What is that telling them about what they should like? More importantly, what's going to to happen to the brilliant, talented creators-of-worlds who are being overlooked in favor of wereworlf-on-baby-vampire slash-fiction?

(1  Brave Enough To Find The Mystery)

Sickeningly saccharine bullshit that I want on recordCollapse )

(Find The Mystery)

Saturday, December 26th, 2009
2009. What a weird, wasted year. What an empty year. I spent 3/4ths of this year wasting my time, doing nothing and going nowhere. And since December 27th, 2008 I have come full circle. I am exactly where I was last year.

In late December of 2008 I was in Eugene, spending all my time with Steven and his friends. I was home for two weeks from Toronto, where I was comfortable but lonely, with no one I'd balls-ed up and become close with. I remember that Christmas in kind of a daze. My whole relationship with Blakely had been in that daze, kind of a fantastic, alter-reality in which the consequences of real life don't really happen and you live in a sparkly rainbow world of happiness and romantic comedies. On January 2, 2009 I went back to Toronto and the ripples started to hit me. It started with a flu that gave me an excuse to stay in bed all day. It fell into a depression that destroyed my studies and my personal relationships to the point where I was, in early february, broken up with steven, living in filth, off of pantry items cause I hadn't been to the grocery store a block from my house in almost two weeks.

The break-up with Steve, which was an act of sheer desperation on my part, a last-ditch attempt to change something radically in my life as I circled the drain, didn't initially help. It was another two weeks filled with oreos and salt and vinegar potato chips and sitcom marathons before I started to pull myself together. But my sorority sisters, roommates and frat boy buddies helped be and I began to rebound. I never fully recovered, but I was much happier. I found Scott, and what followed was a month of no-strings-attached sex full of snark and good movies and music. I pulled myself back into Gamma, which didn't make me feel too much better (too much bureaucratic squabbling) but certainly gave me another outlet and lots of people who loved me. T moved in and my life began to be filled again with laughter, bright colors, and music. It began to warm up. Baby Rob and FIJI came into my life and I started to be really happy. Finals in May were hard, my classes were shot to shit and I was put on academic probation.

Then May 11th came and I flew home. I had made plans to be home for only a short time, hoping if I didn't adjust again to the empty comfort of Eugene I wouldn't want to stay. I was wrong. By late may I was so scared to go back, to fall back into depression, to leave everything I knew, that despite the people there who loved me and wanted me there, despite my relative happiness and the school's relative willingness to overlook my lack of academic prowess the previous term. I decided to move my stuff back home and give up on Toronto. It was a mistake, a choice made out of fear.

The next eight months passed in a haze. I did very little. Made some attempts to work, bought a car, tried to assert what independence I could. Lots of oreos, salt and vinegar potato chips and sitcom marathons. Steve and I were fighting constantly, sniping at each other, undermining each other and overlooking each other's real needs. It didn't make either of us happy. I was desperate and miserable. Steve's friend Cole started coming around. Cole was shy and quiet, passive and naive. He agreed with what I said and backed me up when Steve started sniping at me. I felt like I had an ally. One drunken night, two days after thanksgiving, I told Cole I had feelings for him. It was a mistake. It wasn't strictly untrue, but it was a crush caused by the desperation of my position with steve and our codependence that prevented us from breaking up without a catalyst. It was our catalyst. We did break up. I moved out. He picked up and dropped a couple of girls to fool around with. We're friends. We're spending Christmas together.

Despite my complete lack of productivity this year, I feel like I've grown. Perhaps this is going to lead to another brief spell of relative happiness. Perhaps not. I don't have any solid summation of this year, and a plot outline makes me kind of sad to look back upon. These are supposed to be the best years of my life. And I've been happy in Eugene. But I've been happy in the way that sleeping people are happy. Unchallenged, unquestioned, unstimulted. I start school again in January 2010. U of O. Nothing special or challenging. We'll see where I go from here, but from my seat the view is rather bleak.

(1  Brave Enough To Find The Mystery)

Monday, December 14th, 2009

On another note, 48 hours of work this week, plus moving, plus family visitors? BRING. IT. ON.

(Find The Mystery)

Monday, November 30th, 2009
Goddamn, I am the best self-saboteur I have ever met.

(Find The Mystery)

Monday, November 23rd, 2009
I think I need some help, but I'm not sure which kind or where from.

(5  Brave Enough To Find The Mystery)

Sunday, October 11th, 2009
Remember if you’re lost in the jungle, to look for bananas. There are no bananas where there are no people.

Bananas are sterile hybrids, like mules. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Kirk Cameron.

(Find The Mystery)

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
When did the little girl who couldn’t for the life of her figure out what to do with eyeliner become the young woman who can’t leave the house without foundation and powder - even to the store at three in the morning?

Read more...Collapse )

(Find The Mystery)

Friday, February 27th, 2009
Dear Shannon,

You are an unbelievable idiot. It is time to man up and get back to work.

Hugs and Snuggles,

(Find The Mystery)

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